


Regrets

by Khylara



Category: Public Enemies (2009)
Genre: Character Death Fix, M/M, Not A Fix-It
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-06-20
Updated: 2014-06-20
Packaged: 2018-02-05 10:11:31
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,238
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1814779
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Khylara/pseuds/Khylara
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>After the Biograph shooting, Melvin has to come to terms with what happened...and how he feels</p>
            </blockquote>





	Regrets

Special Agent Melvin Purvis slowly unlocked the door to his apartment and went inside, closing it behind him. He leaned against it for a moment, closing his eyes and letting out a heavy sigh. Over. After over a year of gunfights, blood and disgrace it was finally over. John Dillinger was dead.

 

_It shouldn’t have ended like this_ , he couldn’t help thinking as he slowly hung his jacket and fedora on the wooden rack in the corner. His pistol and shoulder holder landed on the small table next to it.  _We could have brought him in alive. He had the two women with him…he wouldn’t have risked a gunfight with them by his side. We could have just arrested him right there on the sidewalk and it would have been done._  He swallowed hard against the bile rising in his throat.  _Instead we shot him down in the street…in the back… like a rabid dog. No one deserved that kind of death. Not even him._

 

“Mel?”

 

Purvis looked up to see Carter Baum standing by the overstuffed sofa, a book in his hand and an uncertain look on his face. He frowned. “You shouldn’t be out of bed.” Carter was still recovering from the gunshot wounds Baby Face Nelson had given him at Little Bohemia; he had come too close to dying for either man to take any chances with his recovery.

 

“The doctor came by earlier,” the younger man explained as he put his book face down on the coffee table, moving slowly so as not to aggravate his still healing torso and shoulder. “Changed the bandages and told me I could get up and move around if I felt up to it.” He paused. “I got as far as the sofa.”

 

Purvis shook his head, his brow creasing with worry. Carter was still far too pale for his liking. “And the pain?”

 

“It’s bearable right now.” At the older man’s raised eyebrow Carter explained. “He gave me another shot of morphine. There’s another needle for later in the bathroom on the sink.” A small smile appeared on his face. “You worry too much.”

 

“I have just cause to, I think.” Going over to him, Purvis brushed his fingers over the other man’s cheek. “I almost lost you thanks to Nelson.”

 

Carter sighed, leaning into the gentle touch. “You didn’t, though. I’m going to be fine.” There was a pause. “Are you?”

 

A confused look crossed Purvis’ face. “What do you mean?”

 

“I heard what happened at the Biograph on the radio.” Carter gestured to the wireless sitting in the corner next to the sofa. “Are you okay?”

 

Drawing away from Carter, Purvis took off his suit vest and hung it next to his jacket. “I’m fine,” he said as he loosened his tie. “Not a scratch. He didn’t even get a shot off.”

 

“That wasn’t what I meant.” Carter’s head tilted a little as his eyes followed the older man around the room. “It didn’t go well, did it?”

 

“On the contrary, everything went perfectly,” Purvis corrected as he went into the small kitchen and pulled a bottle of whiskey and a glass out of the overhead cabinet. Filling the glass halfway, he drained the liquid in one swallow. “Anna Sage gave us enough time to mobilize everyone and let us know just who Dillinger was by what she was wearing. I gave the signal with my cigar. We managed to come up behind him and shoot him down without hurting anyone else.” Pouring himself another glass, he drained that one as well.

“He didn’t even know we were coming. Didn’t guess.”

 

“And that’s what’s bothering you,” Carter said as came up behind Purvis and gently took the glass out of his hand. Rinsing it out, he put it back in the cupboard, wincing a little as he reached up. “The fact that you shot him in the back, with no chance to defend himself and no warning.” There was a pause. “Or did you give him one?”

 

He thought for a moment. “No. It’s a blur in a way…but I would have remembered shouting something. But I don’t think I did. We didn’t want him getting away from us again.” Purvis closed his eyes as the image of Dillinger’s blood-covered body came to mind. “He wouldn’t have. We had the alleys covered, the roads blocked. Everything was in hand. Nothing left to chance.” He shook his head to banish the image away, only to find it replaced with the smiling, cocky one of Dillinger in his jail cell looking at him. Taunting him. “He could have surrendered. If he had, he’d be alive right now.”

 

“He wouldn’t have,” Carter said quietly as he put the liquor bottle away as well. “You know that as well as I do. He never would have given up, Mel. Not willingly.” There was another pause. “He made his choice. You can’t feel guilty over that.”

 

Purvis turned to face the younger man, an anguished look crossing his features. “Then why do I?”

 

Carter put his hand on Purvis’ cheek, and their eyes met. “Because you’re a good man. You’re not the unfeeling machine that Hoover wants, running on duty and justice. You’re a man with a good heart, who feels things a little too much sometimes.” Leaning closer, he brushed his lips against Purvis’. “There’s nothing wrong with that, Mel. That’s one of the reasons why I love you.”

 

Purvis forced himself to step away. “How can you love a man with blood on his hands?” he found himself asking, shaking his head again. He glanced down at his hands. He could still see it, coating the sidewalk under the Dillinger’s limp body, shining dark in the streetlights. So much blood…

 

“Dillinger had blood on his hands, too,” Carter reminded him. “How many good cops are dead now because of him and his associates? How many innocent people?” He put his hands in Purvis’, twining their fingers together. “You did your job, Mel. You helped take a dangerous man off the streets. There’s no shame in that.”

 

Purvis looked at the fingers laced with his for a moment before giving them a gentle squeeze. He had almost lost this man because of Dillinger and his gang, almost lost the best thing that had come into his life since he didn’t know when. And yet… “I know that,” he said softly. “It’s just…he should be alive right now, Carter.” There was a pause. “There should have been another way.”

 

The two men were silent for a long moment as they held hands in the tiny, barely functional kitchenette. Finally, Carter asked, “You admired him, didn’t you? Dillinger.”

 

Purvis looked up and frowned at him. “He was a bank robber. A common criminal.”

 

“Criminal, yes,” the younger man agreed with a nod and a knowing look. “But I don’t think there was anything common about him. Was there?” There was a pause. “You met him, talked to him. In spite of who he was and what he did…he still meant something to you.”

 

“Nothing,” Purvis denied, wanting the words to be true and yet knowing in his heart that they weren’t. “He meant nothing…other than a criminal that had to be caught.” He swallowed hard, his mouth suddenly dry. “That’s all.” Drawing away, he walked into the living room. “I don’t want to talk about this anymore.”

 

“I think we have to. Especially since you and I both know you’re lying.” Carter said as he followed him, sitting down on the couch. “What if things had been different?”

 

Purvis turned around to face him. “What do you mean?”

 

“Just that.” Taking the other man’s hand, Carter pulled him down until Purvis was sitting next to him. “What if he hadn’t been a bank robber? What if he had been just an ordinary man you met on the street one day? What then?”

 

An image of him and Dillinger kissing suddenly sprung into Purvis’ mind and he ruthlessly pushed it away.  _No,_  he told himself as firmly as he could. He couldn’t have wanted him like that.

 

Could he?

 

“He wasn’t,” he finally managed to get out, turning away. How could he even think of desiring someone like Dillinger, especially when he considered himself lucky beyond belief to still have Carter by his side? It made him feel dirty, wretched and ashamed. “And things weren’t different.”

 

“But what if they had been?” Purvis was silent and an understanding smile crossed Carter’s face. “You can tell me, Mel. It’s okay.”

 

“No, it’s not.” Suddenly angry, Purvis clenched his free hand into a fist and slammed it against his thigh. “How can it be when I…when we’re…and all I feel for you…” He couldn’t finish.

 

“Nothing is going to change that,” Carter’s voice was soft but firm as he put his other hand over Purvis’ clenched fist, stopping him from hitting himself again. “Not Dillinger or Hoover or anyone else.” He caressed the fingers in his keeping with his thumb. “I know where your heart lies, Mel.”

 

Purvis glared at the younger man. “Then why are you doing this?”

 

“Because you need me to,” was the quiet reply. “Because if you don’t get it out you’ll never get past this and let it go. We’ll never talk about it again if that’s what you still want, but you need to do this now.” Taking the other man’s silence as agreement, Carter tried again. “If things had been different between you and Dillinger…what would you have done?”

 

_Taken him into my arms,_  Purvis thought automatically, once again seeing dark eyes and a come hither smile in his mind.  _Kissed him until we both couldn’t see straight…then spirited him far away from everyone, until it was just the two of us…together…_ “I don’t know,” he said instead, hesitating. He didn’t want to lie to Carter, but he didn’t want to hurt him, either.

 

Carter, however, wasn’t having any of it. “You know,” he corrected gently. “Tell me, Mel. I want you to be honest with me about this.”

 

The older man shook his head again. “No. You don’t want to hear this.”  _And I don’t want to tell you,_  he thought, his eyes glued to the wooden floorboards.  _You’ve been through too much already because of this._

 

Reaching out, Carter cupped Purvis’ face in his hand and turned it enough so their eyes met. “Yes, I do,” he said, a stubborn look on his face. “Tell me.”

 

Purvis let out a long, drawn out sigh. Carter wasn’t going to give up until he got what he wanted, he could tell by the look on the younger agent’s face. Usually, he loved that look, loved the intense, single-minded focus it signaled. Now, however… now it only reminded him of another set of dark eyes, another intense gaze. One he would never see again.

 

Finally, he gave in.  _He is right about one thing,_  he mused.  _If I don’t, I’ll never let this go. I’ll never let **him**  go._ “He was unlike anyone I’ve ever known,” he began slowly, trying to find the words he needed to describe John Dillinger to the man by his side. “ I only saw him for a few moments…and there were prison bars between us…but even then…” He remembered those dark, laughing eyes, the way they had swept over him in that small town jail, measuring him, knowing what he wanted, what he had tried to hide and felt his heart suddenly ache. “The life in him…it was so intense…I could feel it burn me…like fire…bright and hot…”

 

An understanding little smile appeared on Carter’s face. “I know how that feels,” he said softly. “I felt the same way when I first met you.”

 

Purvis turned away, closing his eyes guiltily. “I’m sorry.”

 

“For what? Feeling an understandable attraction for a handsome man?” Carter asked. “Mel, just because you’re with me doesn’t mean you’re dead.”

 

“You don’t understand.” Purvis clutched Carter’s hands as if they were a lifeline as he continued. “How he made me feel in those few moments…” He paused for a long moment before he said the one thing he hadn’t wanted to admit to himself, the one truth he wanted so hard to forget. “If I could have…if there had been any way to…to touch him…to be with him…” A lone tear slid down his cheek as he choked out the words. “If he had been anything other than…what he was…”

 

Silencing the older man with the lightest brush of a kiss, Carter pulled him close, maneuvering him until Purvis was lying down on the couch and his head was in Carter’s lap. Slowly, he began stroking his lover’s hair in an attempt to soothe him as well as convey just how much he cared with the simpleness of his touch. Held close, surrounded by warmth and love, Purvis began to weep, mourning the death of a man he had barely known, a man he had hunted relentlessly for his crimes. A man who even now haunted his thoughts, and would probably haunt his dreams for some time to come.

 

But most of all, he mourned for what might have been.

 

And Carter, remembering the longing he had felt when he had first met Melvin Purvis, let him.

 


End file.
